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Fan-fic so far Cs-gy-3d-88x31

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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 5:12 pm

I'm not done with he first chapter yet but I wanted to make sure I got everything right. So tell me if I got something wrong!~

Mercutia:
 

Aiko:
 


Last edited by Hikari on Sun Jun 03, 2012 9:25 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Mercutia

Mercutia

Posts : 112
Join date : 2012-04-16

Character sheet
Magic Type: Archive
Rank: E
Jewels: 500

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 5:18 pm

All I have to say is don't use and too much, and show...don't tell.
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 5:21 pm

You don't use and too much and what?
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Mercutia

Mercutia

Posts : 112
Join date : 2012-04-16

Character sheet
Magic Type: Archive
Rank: E
Jewels: 500

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 5:27 pm

It gets repetitive if you say "she walked, and she ran. Then she laughed, and she talked, and she saw."
   Same goes if you "tell" the audience everything. Use vivid images, don't act as if you're telling a friend what happened, show them it. 
"He stumbled away, clutching the cloth to his mouth to keep from choking on the cloying gas." Is much more exciting than "He walked back covering his mouth because the gas was awful."
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 5:37 pm

Ah okay. Thanks!

Is that any better?
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Mercutia

Mercutia

Posts : 112
Join date : 2012-04-16

Character sheet
Magic Type: Archive
Rank: E
Jewels: 500

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 6:30 pm

A bit, yeah.
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 6:46 pm

Okay~ ^^
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Aiko
Admin
Aiko

Posts : 263
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 19

Character sheet
Magic Type: Crash
Rank: F
Jewels: 5000

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 9:27 pm

EPIC! :'D
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 03, 2012 9:43 pm

Thank you! ^^
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSat Jun 09, 2012 1:02 am

I added onto the parts from last time. I have a few questions before I continue.


Mercutia:
 
On yours, why did the Vipers come and kidnap you guys? And is that how she would react?

Aiko:
 
On yours, is that how he would react?

Hikari:
 
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Aiko
Admin
Aiko

Posts : 263
Join date : 2012-04-08
Age : 19

Character sheet
Magic Type: Crash
Rank: F
Jewels: 5000

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSat Jun 09, 2012 7:49 am

Yep :'D
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Ueda

Ueda

Posts : 97
Join date : 2012-04-15
Age : 20
Location : Where deers are. Do the math. xD

Character sheet
Magic Type: Illusion Magic
Rank: F
Jewels: 5000

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSat Jun 09, 2012 5:33 pm

Sounds good XD That's pretty good :3
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 10, 2012 6:52 pm

Thank you~ ^_^
:3
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Ueda

Ueda

Posts : 97
Join date : 2012-04-15
Age : 20
Location : Where deers are. Do the math. xD

Character sheet
Magic Type: Illusion Magic
Rank: F
Jewels: 5000

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 10, 2012 11:32 pm

What other characters will be included? LEHINT XD
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Hikari

Hikari

Posts : 248
Join date : 2012-04-09
Age : 22

Character sheet
Magic Type: Fire Dragon Slayer
Rank: D
Jewels: 3600

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 10, 2012 11:41 pm

Who ever wants to be in it XD

Go here: https://entertheworldofmagic.rpg-board.net/t104-fan-fic-idea if you want your charry to be in it~ ^^

(I know, its weird having an app for it but I want to make sure I get everything right for your character) :D
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Ueda

Ueda

Posts : 97
Join date : 2012-04-15
Age : 20
Location : Where deers are. Do the math. xD

Character sheet
Magic Type: Illusion Magic
Rank: F
Jewels: 5000

Fan-fic so far Empty
PostSubject: Re: Fan-fic so far   Fan-fic so far I_icon_minitimeSun Jun 10, 2012 11:54 pm

Posted a reply XD
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